My Life as a Supermodel

Happy Mother's Day

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 10 May 2009 15:28:04 GMT

My mother has always been a very special part of my life. Over the years we have both changed but there has always been a connection between us that is undeniable; we grew up together in so many ways.

When I was born my parents were still in college so a baby really wasn't part of the plan, but my mother let me feel that way. From the beginning she said she promised 1. to always to tell me the truth no matter what it was I wanted to know and 2. to speak greatness into me. Do you know how great it felt to have an adult respect you as a child?

I have so many great stories I can share but I wanna share one here that really meant alot.
Although knowing I was gay for a very long time I was very late in coming out. At the age of 24 I lived an "out" life personally and at work but had never told a family member. I needed to share that with my mother, I just felt compelled to tell her what was going on with me and why I had become so distant to her. I will back up for just a minute here to my senior year in high school.

That year my mother suffered a horrible back injury. She worked so hard to get back to walking even though the doctors said she never would again. She has determination I still revel in. When it happened I knew without question my job was to be there for her. Wheelchairs, back braces, catheters, bathing, cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, . . . it didn’t matter, I had to do what I could. Honestly to this day I still don't think I did enough. She started to rely very heavily on religion and quite honestly there were things I didn’t personally agree with but it was helping her and I thought if she is getting better, who am I to say a word, so I didn't. We started not getting along so well but I knew I was getting ready to leave for college so it wasn’t worth an argument. I left for college without repairing our hurt and the distance, although, easy to do, made it harder on our relationship when I graduated and came home. her religious beliefs were again very strong but just in my eyes opposite of what she taught us growing up and I just couldn’t bring myself to knock them so I stayed away. Now lets fast forward back to age 24.

I had gotten to the point that this secret was too hard for me to keep from the woman who had really been my best friend my whole life. She didn’t ever judge me, how dare I judge her just because of the religion; she was my mother not the church. So I went to her house for a weekend to "come out". I got there on a Friday and left on a Sunday still not telling her. before I left Sunday though I sent her an email, 2 pages, tell her about how much I love and honor her and how its important for me to be as good a son to her as she has been a good mother to me. I told her I know I don't always do the best but I will never give up on trying. I ended the letter by telling her there was something I needed to tell her but I didn't know how but that I think we should talk.

She called me that Monday and said she loved me and invited out to dinner to talk. I told her it would be my treat and we settled on a place for that Tuesday April 4th. It was a great place for dinner, we had such a good talk, sorta got caught up on each others lives. We ordered this wonderful thin crust pizza with sausage, cheese, and mushroom. THAT WAS THE SLOWEST I HAVE EVER EATEN PIZZA IN MY LIFE!!! I literally got down to the very last piece and was found myself trying to think of anything else I could tell her versus saying I was gay, then something unexpected happened . . .

She said, "So are you gonna tell me you're gay or what"?
WHAT!!! I was so shocked
She told me she already knew for years and then I remembered her asking me when I was 13 and telling it was okay if I was. I literally had blacked that moment out. I had forgotten how smart and intuitive my mother was. She was Mommy all over again, kissing me on the forehead, singing me to sleep, taking me for walks at night, oiling my scalp, teaching me how to cook; in other words doing what she has always done, being there for me unconditionally.
That moment changed my life because I stopped caring who knew I was gay. Deep down I think I knew she would be supportive but I didn’t know it would be so easy to do.

I wanted to share this story because it is one that let me know how important our relationship was to both of us. My mother till this day is such an important part of my life and I just wouldn’t trade her for the world. I wanna honor her love and I want the world to know just how great she is.
Thank you Mommy . . . I LOVE YOU!

I also want to send Mother's Day wishes out to all of the other wonderful women in my life that have helped to mold my life.

Momma Mankie - I love you and I miss you everyday!!! Its been 11 years since you left this earth and moved into my heart and I want you to know not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Our relationship is one that I am so proud of. We did it Momma! I made you a promise that I would say your name at least once a day for the rest of my life and we are still going strong!

BB - I just wish there was another title for you besides stepmother cause it doesn't do you justice. You have been just so wonderful to me. I thank you for your love and friendship. I am so glad we "found" each other. I will always take great pride in saying I am your son, I love you.

Granny Doe-Doe - One of the smartest people I know. You always have so much love in your eyes! I have never known anyone who gives so much of herself and just finds time to let someone know that they are thought of. You taught me what it truly means to be aware of myself and how to selflessness in the most selfish of times. I love you

Wookie - You and I have still gotta have that drink together. I know things were hard for you when it came to me but you never showed me that. You let me feel like i was just as important, just as valued, just as loved. I know regardless of what people said you did your best and I wanna say thank you and I love you.

Pam - Your laugh gets me every time. You know I am so glad I got a chance to have you in my life. I learned the true meaning of decency just watching you. I learned family and relationships have order and a well "oiled machine" really works. I learned how to have well thought out speech and the difference it can make. You always make food look so good I just get a kick out of how well you enjoy a meal! You are just wonderful, I love you.

Granny - You are sugar and spice to me. You are the kind of grandmother I used to see on TV and thought no one is like that. I Thank God you are cause at a time in my life when I lost a grandmother God blessed me with another to help keep my heart beating! I also love that if you wanna get ghetto baby you can do that! We hit the casino have a cocktail and then you can come home and tuck the baby in. You give the kinds hugs that bring me to tears everytime cause you can feel their sincerity. I love you!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

I Had A Talk with My Man Last Night

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 18:36:35 GMT

Its funny how you can speak some things into happening . . .

Last night was an unexpected situation but I'm glad it did.

I wanted to share a song with you that I have loved my entire life and I woke up with on my mind this morning.

It beautifully describes how I am feeling today after what happened yesterday.

Baby . . . I love you. Thank you for trying so hard, Thank you for wanting this, Thank you for loving me.

Whatever happens I've got your back.

Month in Review

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 18:29:52 GMT

I cannot believe its been a month since I posted anything, well anything for public consumption.

Life for the last month has been a roller coaster to say the least. I found I have been dealing with some things I never thougth would come up and some I am glad to finally deal with.

Have you ever head people say, "The best laid plans . . . "? Well i finally learned what that means. I am a planner and sometimes I plan to many things. I like a nice plan and when I don't meet that I tend to beat myself up about that. UGH! I am 33 years old and i have to wonder . . . does this ever stop? Planning in and of itself isn't bad, its just i need to relax a lil more and understand when things do go as planned that that is also part of the plan. It's a process and I'm diggin it actually.

I have one issue that is unresolved right now that is, to be real honest, putting me through it. I am trying desperately to work it out but I think its gotten to a point that is no longer in my hands, literally and figuratively.

I went to the doctor to discuss my current enormity, and I learned a few things about whats going on with me physically. Doc and I are working outside the box with a new plan. Bally's came out with a new membership that doesnt lock you into multiple years and was at a lower price so i jumped on it. I am excited to finally go back to the gym. I really have been considering the lap band surgery but my job's insurance plan will not cover it and after having 3 surgeries last year my finances just can't take this on too. Not that I make tons of money, just in debt and dont wanna take on some more. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions or tips, I'm open to anything. I know now this is a part of my life I can get under control because I am tired of it controlling my life.

I got a really BAD haircut recently and now i wanna find a new barbershop. the barber I normally go to wasnt there so I went to the guy that sits next to him. It was horrible, problem is my guy's station is right next to the other ~~butcher's~~ barber's. To much drama.

My mom has come to visit twice, and stayed in my spare bedroom. it was actually very nice. We had apple martinis and watched movies and just hung out. She and I are becoming close friends again and I am so glad. We used to be the best of friends until she got super SUPER religious on me. I know why and respected it but I felt controlled by it and we drifted apart, oddly enough it was my coming out to her at that time that made her start seeing somethings differently.

I ran into my best friend from High School and we had lunch for hours to catch up. Her mom had passed away under mysterious circumstances and well let's just say the person involved didnt surprise me. How's that for a WTF moment!

My building was sold so I have a new landlord now, so far they seem ok, but time will tell there.

Work is crazy as always! My new boss got let go ALREADY! The fallout has been the best performance I have seen since I went to the Color Purple at the last year. This one is free but I would pay double.

Finally i kinda LIVE for facebook these days. i even delted my myspace page. Ive mad a ton new online friends there. One has proven himself to be the awesomest. Thanks Todd!

Well i think that'll do it for now, cause I can't think of anything else and i am tired of writing.

I'll try to post more often . . . again

For the record

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:22:00 GMT

I went to bed early last night
I actually got a full 8hours of sleep
But you know what . . .
I am still tired

Under Construction . . .

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 06:16:43 GMT

My LJ needs a shot in the arm and and I amusing the fact that 2009 fast approacheth, to do just that.

I'm Upgrading
Adding new pics
And much much more

Its time I took charge of my journal . . .

Can you feel the hype???

Jocktraps

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:00:33 GMT

Why are Jockstraps so damn HOT!

So today I decided to wear my jock

Man I wish someone had told me how sexy it can make you feel under a suit DAMN!

I was totally in my head all day thinkin bout my man

I think I must buy him jockstraps . . . Lots of them

Minnie Riperton

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:13:16 GMT

I had never seen live performances of Minnie Riperton . . .

I just . . . there are no words, I can not help but cry. The simple beauty of her voice is indescribable and then when I think about the fact that she passed away in 1979 and what a treasure we lost . . . I weep.

If you don't know her daughter is SNL Alum Maya Rudolph, so at the end where you hear her saying My oh - My oh - My oh - My oh - My oh - My oh- My oh - My oh, she actually repeating the name Maya.

Flawless Perfection!

I Can Sing A Rainbow

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 06:52:16 GMT

Your rainbow is shaded indigo.

What is says about you: You are a proud person. You appreciate cities, technology, and other great things people have created. Friends count on you for being honest and insightful.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Michelle Williams

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 07:33:55 GMT

If any of you out there dont know who Michelle Williams is you should!!!

She was a member of Destiny's Child and has a new album out., Unfortunately after the record label pushed its release back it was overshadowed by the monolith that is Beyonce.

Michelle was always my fave and this album was something I was looking forward to. She took an escape from gospel and I just believe this suits her so much more.

She has really been supporting our gay clubs and PRIDEs across the country, hell Roscoe's even had a CD release party for her in October.

PLEASE CHECK HER OUT!!!

You may have heard We Break the Dawn over the summer but if not I added it for you.

She is rockin out Hello Heartbreak and I am lovin it

I wanted to share it with all of you, I hope you love it too

This album really should have gotten more attention. The critics really praised it but it was a summer fun sorta CD and to release it in October, a mere month before Beyonce's CD was released doomed it in many ways.

Hope you find yourself dancin to it too!!!

Each and Every Day of The Week, I Can't Eat My Dinner and I Can't Sleep!!!

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:31:14 GMT

This is probably one of my most favorite things in the world!

Hanna Barbera did their best to capture the hurricane the is Ann-Margaret

*snaps fingers*
I gave you all the love I had, still you tried to be bad!!!

To tell the truth .. . Im not ok

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:26:04 GMT

Someone asked me recently . . . and repeatedly, if I am ok. My basic instinct answer is to automatically say these standard lines:

I'm fine?

I'm ok n u?

When I was 13 I started this because I didn't wanna be a bother to anyone. This was the last age I even asked for Christmas or birthday presents from my family, still don't. I think I just wanted to "disappear" at that age and I can't honestly say that feel ever really went away.

Now that I am 33 it has really become more and more problematic. I have spent the majority of my life hiding my true feelings on things that its having side effects. Truth is you gotta let things out or they will have a way of bubbling to the surface on their own. I am finding that in the last few months I have discovered many things about myself that I don't like.

I have said and done things that have completely come out the wrong way and I don't really know how to fix it.

The truth is, I'm insecure and I try to hide behind being the perfect son, friend, boyfriend, employee, etc so I dont have to deal with my real feelings.

I see and recognize good things about myself, don't get me wrong, its just that I'm not really sure that anyone really knows who I am . . . or if I do for that matter.

If any of you have been in the path of that I apologize.

Please know my intentions are always good

Is That How People Really Feel?

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:08:51 GMT

I would love some real feedback on Prop H8 and the role people really feel on the idea that the black community helped it pass.

I just watch a couple youtube videos regarding this subject and I have to say the ones I watched broke my heart. One was of a young guy that hurled the n-word several times. Thats not even a word I allow out of my mouth and everytime he said it hurt that much more. Is that really the way people feel?

Do you feel Black Americans are at fault here as well?

I am opening this up to any and everyone's reply however due to the sensitivity of the subject matter I am screening the comments. I want you all to feel comfortable saying what you truly feel without the idea that you will be persecuted for your honesty.

As I said in my last post this whole thing saddens. To the point I have probably cried about it more than I care to mention.

Please be honest and be real with me hear and I will offer you the same . . . All thoughts and feelings are welcome.

Love, H8, & IHOP

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 19:38:50 GMT

Like many of you I hit the Protest Rally. It was wonderful to see a Sea of Pride take over downtown Chicago and let our voices be heard. Inspiring is not enough word to describe . . .
We have come into the time of our lives where we are on the cusp of a brand new world and I just cannot help but be moved emotionally and physically to stay involved.

It really is up to us.

I then came home and cleaned the house feverishly in prep of Andy coming over. My boyfriend and I planned a night of fun just hanging out. I really needed to clean anyway so what better excuse right? I always make vacuuming my last task and so when I was done I sat down at the computer and decided to look up all the other Prop H8 Protest Rallies only to read some of the most hurtful things.

I'm not fully prepared to address this in the way I would like, but I would like to say this. The Passing of Prop H8 goes to show how far we still have yet to go, we are getting there America, but there is still much work to do. We elected President Obama, now the real work begins . . . I am so saddened to hear the finger pointing on a racial level in the Gay Community. I have experienced this on a personal level but as I have said before it is something I choose not too discus, but reading all the things that have been said reminds of those moments in my life. Infighting in our community solves nothing. I am gay and black and if I were in California i would never have voted for Prop H8 and most gay people of color would not vote for its passing but certainly there those non gay, and some gay, that would. That is no excuse to attack anyone with racially hateful speech. We are angry it passed but we must do better than to sink to the level of our enemies especially in the darkest part of our hearts and minds. The freedom I feel by the election of President Obama is stained by the passing of Prop H8, but it hurts even more to see the stain start to become Rainbow colored.

We all need to be held accoutable for Prop H8's passing as a wake up call to who we are not. I don't know if the African American vote secured its passing but I plan on making damn sure it secures its removal. Being angry at a race, gender, sex, and/or sexual orientation does not solve the problem, but helping people see your point of view can change the world does.

I lost my net connection before I could read any further and then my doorbell rang so I let that go for more entertaining cuddly activities. He could see visibly that something was wrong, and when he held me I couldnt help but cry. There has been so much I have not really been able to process and in that man's arms I didnt feel I had to hold it all back. All this talk about history changing and the like has me really missing my grandmother, especially her advice at a time like this. Its funny but no one in the family ever knew that she knew I was gay. She kept it her secret and then when she knew her life was at a transition period she told a story of a gay couple in the old neighborhood and how they were being attacked and how she just didnt understand it. She came from a time where church was all you had so she couldnt say she understood or 100% approved of being gay, but she didnt believe in taking away one's rights because of it. I don't know if she would have supported gay marriage but she would have supported me, so in a time we live in right now, I can't help but miss her.

I just let it all out in his arms and he held me for as long as it took, and it felt good and safe.
We have work to do America, so we can all feel safe in each others arms.

I am reminded of one of my favorite poems that really speaks to all thats going on right now

In a time of secret wooing
Today prepares tomorrow’s ruin
Left knows not what right is doing
My heart is torn asunder

In a time of furtive sighs
Sweet hellos and sad goodbyes
Half-truths told and entire lies
My conscience echoes thunder

In a time when kingdoms come
Joy is brief as summer’s fun
Happiness, its race has run
Then pain stalks in to plunder

~ Maya Angelou

***Oh I almost forgot, We also went to IHOP in the middle of the night, WooHoo!

A Friendly Poll

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 20:45:13 GMT

View Poll: What to do, what to do?

The Scapegoating of Sarah Palin

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 17:03:35 GMT

I have been searching for the words. These will do just fine, you betcha!

A Change has Gonna Come . . .

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 06:38:00 GMT

Finally Got all the copies of newspapers I wanted

I just put them with the magazines my grandmother saved for me from the 60's with John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. She saved magazines and newspapers with them on the covers. She knew that a time of change was happening at that point in her life. Can you imagine how she and the world felt then?

She bought them and they didn't see the light of day until she passed away in 1998. Now in 2008 I can add my collection of of President Obama items to her collection.

There are no words to contain how I feel, I just feel the tears of pride and they are my voice.

Born in 1918, she led a life in hopes of seeing the day that I stood with my fellow Americans and witnessed some 90 years later

Momma Mankie I hope I have honored your memory, your struggle. I know what my family , my ancestors, my nation went through so we could have a change for the future and in it is my great honor to live in a time when that change is the present.

Legend of Lizzie Borden

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 04:50:46 GMT

Known for: famous -- or infamous -- for allegedly murdering her father and stepmother in 1892 (she was acquitted), and memorialized in the children's rhyme:

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks
And when she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one

Also Known as: Lisbeth Borden, Lizzie Andrew Borden
About Lizzie Borden:

Lizzie Borden was born in, and lived her life in, Fall River, Massachusetts. Her father was Andrew Borden, and her mother, Sarah, died when Lizzie was less than three years old. Lizzie had another sister, Emma, who was nine years older. Another daughter, between Emma and Lizzie, died in infancy.

Andrew Borden remarried in 1865. His second wife, Abby Durfree Gray, and the two sisters, Lizzie and Emma, lived mostly quietly and uneventfully, until 1892. Lizzie was active at church, including teaching Sunday School and membership in the Women's Christian Temperance Union (WCTU). In 1890, Lizzie Borden traveled abroad briefly with some friends.

Lizzie Borden's father had become comfortably wealthy, and was known as tight with his money. The house, while not small, had no modern plumbing. In 1884 when Andrew gave his wife's half-sister a house, his daughters objected and fought with their stepmother, refusing thereafter to call her "mother" and calling her simply "Mrs. Borden" instead. Andrew tried to make peace with his daughters, in 1887 giving them some funds and allowing them to rent out his old family home.

In 1891, tensions in the family were strong enough that, after some apparent thefts from the master bedroom, each of the Bordens bought locks for their bedrooms.

In July of 1892, Lizzie Borden and her sister Emma went to visit some friends; Lizzie returned and Emma remained away. In early August, Andrew and Abby Borden were struck with an attack of vomiting, and Mrs. Borden told someone that she suspected poison. The brother of Lizzie's mother came to stay at the house, and on August 4, this brother and Andrew Borden went into town together. Andrew returned alone and lay down in the sitting room.

The maid, who had earlier been ironing and washing windows, was taking a nap when Lizzie called to her to come downstairs -- Lizzie said that her father had been killed while she (Lizzie) went to the barn. He had been hacked in the face and head with an axe or hatchet. After a doctor was called, Abby was found, also dead, in a bedroom, also hacked many times (the later investigation said twenty times, not forty as in the children's rhyme) with an axe or hatchet.

Later tests showed that Abby had died 1-2 hours before Andrew; because Andrew died without a will, this meant that his estate, worth about $300,000 to $500,000, would go to his daughters, and not to Abby's heirs.

Lizzie Borden was arrested.

Evidence included a report that she'd tried to burn a dress a week after the murder (a friend testified it had been stained with paint), and reports that she had tried to buy a poison just before the murders. The murder weapon was never found for certain -- a hatchet head that may have been washed and deliberately made to look dirty was found in the cellar -- nor any blood-stained clothes.

Lizzie Borden's trial began June 3, 1893. It was widely covered by the press locally and nationally. Some Massachusetts feminists wrote in Lizzie Borden's favor. Townspeople split into two camps. Lizzie Borden did not testify, having told the inquest that she had been searching the barn for fishing equipment and then eating pears outside during the time of the murders. She said "I am innocent. I leave it to my counsel to speak for me."

Without direct evidence of Lizzie Borden's part in the murder, the jury was not convinced of her guilt. Lizzie Borden was acquitted on June 20, 1893. She remained in Fall River, buying a new and bigger home she called "Maplecroft," and calling herself Lizbeth instead of Lizzie. She lived with her sister Emma until they had a falling-out in 1904 or 1905, possibly over Emma's displeasure at Lizzie's friends from the New York theater crowd. Both Lizzie and Emma also took in many pets, and left part of their estates to the Animal Rescue League.

Lizzie Borden died at Fall River, Massachusetts, in 1927, her legend as a murderess still strong. She was buried next to her father and stepmother. The home in which the murders took place opened as a bed-and-breakfast in 1992.

There are no words . . .

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 06:06:42 GMT

NSFW unless you Just Don't Give A BLEEP

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:52:29 GMT

You know what . . .

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 04:22:01 GMT

Boyfriends totally rock!
Especially the gay ones!

I'm sure glad my boyfriend is gay

Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Pornstar ID

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:59:54 GMT

Make Your Own ID!

Bob Fosse Put a Ring On Bea Arthur?

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 06:29:02 GMT

So I thought I would share this.

Beyonce said the dance in the video was inspired by an old clip of Bob Fosse's wife dancing on Ed Sullivan, so I had to find it.
I never thought it would be like watching an episode of Maude.

I posted the original and how it morphed into Beyonce's video

And then there's Maude
And then there's Maude
And then there's . . .

Right on Maude!!!

I WAS NOT READY!!!

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 05:33:18 GMT

I Like it! And if I was Single I would Put A Ring On It!!!

Damn Gina!

For a Cub I know

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 05:18:01 GMT

This is for you chord
Because I am addicted too

A Song

greatsmile75@yahoo.com — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 04:05:09 GMT

So there is this really special bear I know
He is smart, funny, cuddly, and kinda cute to boot
Music is his passion
And do you know what he did . . .

He composed a song just for me